The Big Heavy

it's those thoughts again
every night i find myself
fighting them back
when i try to sleep
sometimes when i'm just
alone
i try to quiet my mind
but they come back
they rob my peace
big fat heavy dark worries
a boulder
just about to crush me
unless i run
or just ignore it
yeah think about something else
tell myself
it's gonna be ok
i mean
it's nowhere near bad enough
in the world
for the rapture
to happen soon
or is it
this boulder is too heavy
to even lift
let alone to carry
if it falls from the ledge
i’m done
if i share it
will anyone
ever understand
can anyone
carry the load
can someone
take it away
give me the peace
to rest
the joy
to live
the strength
to carry on
who will encourage me
day to day
pick me up
when i stumble
why do i feel
like a kid
in trouble
with my parents
what have i done wrong
well plenty i guess
but who hasn’t
i'm a good person
still i wonder
do i ever need
to say
once again
to god
that i’m truly
truly sorry
is there still time
will it be ok
i keep thinking
i’ll get better in time
yeah someday
surely i’ll understand
what i need
to be ok with god
but what if that’s just another
just another pipe dream
can’t i have the assurance
right now
someone once told me the verse
to live is christ
and to die is gain
but i don’t think
i mean
that i can say that
like i mean it
feels kinda funny
fits as a square peg
in a round hole
what if this is like
my last chance
to make peace
with god
ever
soot is such a strong smell
like when a locomotive train
chugs by
leaving that stench
coal smoke
dank steam
why does that seem to permeate my nostrils
oh god am i closer to
hell
than i thought
torrid midday sun
scorches my flesh
thick soupy air
oppresses my lungs
cold of deepest night
chills my inner bones
darkness leaves me stammering
smoke burns as i choke
asphyxiation
will someone please
please someone
touch water to my lips
can anyone
massage some life
back into my hands
as they curl up
rigor mortis
hello
hear my breathless screams
demons are whipping
relentlessly
no one can stop them now
father
faaaaaather
into your hands
i commit my spirit