Ministry Opportunity

Local congregation comprised mainly of ages 50 and up with traditional values and very sane political outlook.

Requirements for pastor:

Preferably a mature married male but with no young children that would disrupt services. Sermons should comfort congregants in their inherent perfection plus grant assurance that God will smoke everyone else for their sinfulness. Weddings are rare but we average 15-20 memorial services per year. The Church would like to maintain present activities without introducing any new ones whatsoever, and outreach is strongly discouraged as it would only bring smelly communist hippies into the Church. Furthermore, pastor's wife must be willing to patiently listen to concerns of patrons on a 24/7 basis, lead worship from the piano, and dutifully organize all social activities. She will answer to the unofficial Church Ladies' Committee, chaired by Mrs. Helen Earth.

Applicants should send resume and blood type to First Blessed Church of Curmudgeons, 666 Nowhere Road.

the bowl

The other day as I awoke it seems as though I were standing in a place I knew well as a small child. It's a shinesunny day and there I am at the most notable part of the private campground where we spent many a weekend back in the day. It's a flat clearing of mowed grass with a ridge to one side and the edge of forest around the rest of it. The ground is rather concave and so we call it the bowl. Not only is it surrounded by nature, the campground itself is amidst country homes and farm fields; it doesn't get any more peaceful. In the bowl you are free to chase butterflies or even try to catch a rabbit, or, if you dare, examine your conscience. Right about now as I look toward the ridge there's a nice shady spot that tempts relief from the sun. But, as my eyes examine the underbrush a little closer it seems…well…blending in with the sod and leaf-covered trees…hello there…it's an enormous grasshopper leg. The rear leg; just like when it's attached to a grasshopper except, hmm, there's just the leg. So...well, I don't think I'm gonna get too close to that. This is kinda different. What if that's the only part of grasshopper that I can see? This is so far fetched that by now anything's possible. I mean, if that leg alone is covering 20 feet of ground then…yeesh maneesh. Umm…aren't they vegetarian? Can't remember. Wonder if I should get in a safe place and throw a stick at it. I dunno. Aye…well I could just take a walk in the woods for now…'cept, that would be a just a lil creepy at this point. Howbout if I just get one of the other campers to take a look at it? Shoot, Carl and Bob would probly just haul it to the fire pit for supper. I don't think I would want any cuz it probably smells like, I dunno, moth balls or KMart ladies.