The Big Heavy

it's those thoughts again
every night i find myself
fighting them back
when i try to sleep
sometimes when i'm just
alone
i try to quiet my mind
but they come back
they rob my peace
big fat heavy dark worries
a boulder
just about to crush me
unless i run
or just ignore it
yeah think about something else
tell myself
it's gonna be ok
i mean
it's nowhere near bad enough
in the world
for the rapture
to happen soon
or is it
this boulder is too heavy
to even lift
let alone to carry
if it falls from the ledge
i’m done
if i share it
will anyone
ever understand
can anyone
carry the load
can someone
take it away
give me the peace
to rest
the joy
to live
the strength
to carry on
who will encourage me
day to day
pick me up
when i stumble
why do i feel
like a kid
in trouble
with my parents
what have i done wrong
well plenty i guess
but who hasn’t
i'm a good person
still i wonder
do i ever need
to say
once again
to god
that i’m truly
truly sorry
is there still time
will it be ok
i keep thinking
i’ll get better in time
yeah someday
surely i’ll understand
what i need
to be ok with god
but what if that’s just another
just another pipe dream
can’t i have the assurance
right now
someone once told me the verse
to live is christ
and to die is gain
but i don’t think
i mean
that i can say that
like i mean it
feels kinda funny
fits as a square peg
in a round hole
what if this is like
my last chance
to make peace
with god
ever
soot is such a strong smell
like when a locomotive train
chugs by
leaving that stench
coal smoke
dank steam
why does that seem to permeate my nostrils
oh god am i closer to
hell
than i thought
torrid midday sun
scorches my flesh
thick soupy air
oppresses my lungs
cold of deepest night
chills my inner bones
darkness leaves me stammering
smoke burns as i choke
asphyxiation
will someone please
please someone
touch water to my lips
can anyone
massage some life
back into my hands
as they curl up
rigor mortis
hello
hear my breathless screams
demons are whipping
relentlessly
no one can stop them now
father
faaaaaather
into your hands
i commit my spirit

WAR OF ATTRITION

O hear now, Mother of Oppression!

Lend your ear, Sister of Deceit!

From the earliest of my days

You have sought my destruction

You, who are not of my people

Crossing the border into my land

Treading upon my sovereign soil...


With a smile that hides darkness

Why do you try to entice me?

And seek to prove me a fool

Charm me with feminine amenities

And play my feelings as a banjo

Is it a reaction you seek?

Find you any love in my rage?

Antagonism - your big red plastic bat

See how far this perforated ball will soar!


But alas, I am curious

And I see you are too

What’s this all about?

So compelling, yet strange

Is nothing held sacred?

What’s off limits, to discuss or display?

As long as it’s mutual

Does anyone else need to know?


But in time we both grow older

Trading the obvious for that unseen

Your methods become those of shrewdness

No longer brazen, but sweetly cunning


In secret absence I explored you

Never willing to connect with the heart

Now I am just as guilty

And even more so for my part

For I abandoned the path of righteousness

I have denied friendship - basic and true

A coward; I caved to social paranoia

And surrendered to weakness of flesh


Still you crouched in waiting

For the exact moment to pounce

The bait appealed to the sensibilities

Plus a twinge of mystery; need to explore

I was craving a change

And the seasons were shifting

“Won’t hurt to try,” I said to myself

“Besides, she seems so willing…”

Has there ever been such a swift plummet from grace?

As I ravaged unknown territory

And tried in vain to act out my thoughts

Shameless, demented twist of creation!


My armies advanced

Through fields once tranquil

With orders to assess

They’re to gather “intelligence”

But in their wake lay destruction

The landscape disfigured

As they set up encampment

In garrison, awaiting fresh orders

You finally take arms

To protect your vast riches

Guarding that which is precious

Since I’ll do no such thing

For I say, “freedom is mine”

So why would I deny it to you?


The tense epochs to follow

Find brief moments of peace

But militias still skirmish

And guerrillas never rest...


Once the newness fades

And reality sets in

We’re both tired of giving

Oh so empty within

Your problems never cease

No, they multiply with time

Do you ever solve anything?

Deeper, in quicksand, you sink

But do I pull you out?

Offer even an olive branch?

No, for I’m spent of your ways

Yet not ready to leave…

Your desire for completeness

Matched only by you bellicose futility

Frustrates me to no end

With you I can do nothing that profits

Yet I continue my natural way

Austere as always, keeping composure

But, by the same, never improving

You cry for help with actions

Still, your letters tell a sad tale

But ‘tis easier to let a tree fungus rot

Than to scrape it off by toiling


Finally, long sought freedom arrives

Yet I’m deep in despair

For my last pitiful ember of light has died

Giving way to cold stale darkness

I now realize my “plans”

Were never such at all

I had not set wise goals

Just drifting along toward nowhere


Then I turned to my God!

Who understands my failure?

And gives grace to repentance

He rewards those who believe Him

He also set my paths straight

And cleared my confusion

He gave me wisdom and strength

To stand up before the enemy…


As I keep watch by night

My radar surveys the horizon

Be sure, I shall see you coming

Beleaguered jets with idolatrous markings

O Daughter of Perdition!

You Niece of Iniquity!

How your sins multiply in time

Surely perversion deepens with age

Only the foolish try the prepared one

And the stupid die who attack the vigilant


But is there not hope for you?

Indeed, a chance to change your ways -

Repent to a loving God today!

Become His, you creature of beauty

For He created you and loves you

Why do you take arms with His sons?

And try His soldiers with temptation?

All heaven rejoices in the lost sheep’s return


My sister, o lovely child of God

Why must we maintain troops in array?

Keeping battalions posted all day

And artillery poised to defend by darkness

Locked in stalemate; a pointless effort

Have you any chance of victory?

For I realize the truth – yet it’s relevance you scoff

That my battle is not against flesh and blood

And I fight not with woman or man

How the opponent’s warriors are not mortal

That this conflict is but a portion of eternity

A struggle within a greater engagement

Although the rebels mount resistance

The Victor’s army outnumbers them

Surely God has kept His faithful!

Two of His to one of the losers’

Will you join us, my dear one?

Will you lay down your weapon for true love?


For I’ve found the real battle wages inside us

And God sent His Son to win it

To resist Jesus means that we lose

But surrender all to Him…and be won!

For He has shown me the new way

That even I can become your friend

But we both must be on the same page

United in His Spirit by His Blood

So will you bow your heart to Him now?

Have your name written in the Book of Life

Our names will appear there together; joint heirs

United forever beneath the flag of the King!


Now we stand face to face

How’d we get so old?

But you’re really not here

For the familiar falseness screams

A non-answer to my disbelief

You still don’t get it

And I fear you never will…


Take heed, I am well armed for defense

In truth my silos are deterrents

I must aim missiles toward your homeland

And with wisdom point guns at your border

The strife that began so long ago

It has protracted without decision

For weeks, many months, and even years

It continues today in spite of intentions

The impending threat is still real; it saddens me

Because only one of us has surrendered

Bowed to the King of Kings – WHOLEHARTEDLY

And but one has stopped fighting for vain interests


I say once again, let this be a dire warning

To yourself and those alike -

Surely our mutual posture of distrust remains

Till Christ takes His spoils


One way or another

He will win over your heart

But will it be by your own volition?

O, I implore you! Don’t let yourself be…


ATTRITTED!

From The Badlands

How many times, Lord, must I learn that You’re here even amidst the chilly winds and the battered streets among naked trees?
When times are good I question them and when times are bad I seek understanding
Thankfully, You lead me to those who extol Your counsel in a world where pretentious friends flee in their shame
But would-be foes learn to bond in their similarities
Lord forgive me for my lack of faith, for now I can discern when it was You guiding my heart in the reflective moments, even when I rarely sought You out by name
Thankfully I had been grounded in Your precepts, so that when youthful angst pressed my limits, I knew to always keep a clear path back toward Your Way
But mostly, Lord, I thank You for showing me not to wander off in the first place!
And that those with foolish inclinations toward the world are not worthy of my trust
Lord, as I look around once again I ache at these badlands and I wonder how Your grace would ever reach to such a pit
But I stand on Your promise to meet me where I am, and I know Whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able
Take me now, O Lord my God, to the place You have ordained for me to do Your will, for You have already inspired me beyond words with Your sweet song and my heart yearns for the MOUNTAINS of GLORY I’ll reach riding this train

Seeing Things

I had you pegged

As someone I knew

Had all the hard facts

Yet, no more than a few

The years came and went

We grew side by side

You fell in the shadows

I stuck by my pride

Till understanding revealed

There’s a hidden agenda

Is there something wrong?

Was it I who offended?

All those times, insecure,

You’d curl up in a ball

And then I’d back away

To avoid a great fall

Hints you gave softly

Not entirely wasted

Just stored away till

God’s wisdom I tasted

How His flowers do bloom!

Some quickly, some slowly

There’s more to you...but,

Is there more than just me?

The Good Ole Days

She brushes her dark hair

Midday shadows on the wall

Will the wait never end?

Doesn't know what she wants yet

But won't stop till she gets it


Tired of thinking

Can't decide what to do next

Outside the window

Things are going on

Don't understand most of it

What's it got to do with me?

Muggy day is uncomfortable

Would sleep but not tired


He thinks about her sometimes

Never solving the mystery

But now the mind is rested again

So it's off to another adventure

Surely she's fine, just as she is

Why am I kissing you?

Why am I kissing you? Because I can?

Curiosity got the best of me, now I'm in a strange room.

Forgive the candor, but this reminds me of the ham hocks Mom cooks with soup beans.

Kinda slippery but needs more salt.

This is getting surreal, but if it makes you happy...

Why am I kissing you? Is this how we say goodbye now?

I get a flashback of this every time I approach a mirror.

You're a cute girl and I really like your company

But...doesn't this seem a little contrived?

Why am I kissing you? This is supposed to communicate something.

But, I find I have little, if nothing, to say this way.

You seem to be caught up in this,

But I'd just as soon go work on a project or something.

And why do you get so mad when I look at the TV? Sheesh maneesh.

Why am I kissing you? Because I like your flavor...

But, even I can see this is going nowhere fast, so later gater.

Why am I kissing you? Because usually it can smooth things over...

Or buy me time, or...just pass the time.

Why am I kissing you? If I ever knew, I guess I forgot at some point.

Why do I waste your time and feed your false hopes?

Forgive me?

Why am I kissing you? Well, I'm not, and that's obviously best.

Think I'll stick with letters and numbers from now on.

Tyrant

She's sharp and she's cool
She's patient; no one's fool
Determined

Bubbly when attention's given
Boys talk to her, idea of livin'
Agenda

Waiting in her stance
For perfection wearing pants
Black Widow

Eyes of coal, smile a phenom
Laugh as music, sweet as venom
Medusa

Her heart burns on still
She must enforce her will
Gestapo

Special kind of gal
Not typical, yet so real
Pitfall

As for me, this won't stand
So I hold up my hand
Resistance

She turns and looks on
Spots another, she's gone
Insatiable