'40 Year-Old Virgin' blames failures on Tony Danza PSA

FAIRFIELD, CONN (Goiters) - A real-life Forty Year-Old Virgin claims that a late 1980's public service announcement triggered a pattern of "romantic dysfunctionalities" during his teens. The ad, entirely a close shot of actor Tony Danza urging young people to not rush into sex but wear a condom if they do, ran in heavy rotation on MTV and other stations during a crucial time in the life of Maynard Snerdley.

"It has taken years to come to terms with this, and it's not easy to talk about."

Despite that fact, he continues.

"We all know that adolescence is a confusing time, and there was Tony telling us to hold off on the nookie and gee willakers, when you think about it, who am I to argue? This man has obviously made some mistakes in his life. I mean, just look at where his career went after Taxi."

Snerdley cites a combination of counseling and even more counseling to help turn things around.

"My therapist led me realize that I'd been distancing myself from women after a certain point. When the relationship reached a critical stage I would become less likely to shave, even for several days. Well golly, what gal wants to have steel filings grind against her face and neck? I bet it's just awful. "

This of course refers to Danza sporting short, bristly whiskers in the ad.

"I guess a light went off in the doc's head one day, then he played me the video and I was like holy macaroni, that's it!"

This was confirmed by his psychiatrist, Dr. Gimmie Cash, who added, "Yep. Holy macaroni."

With his wall-building days now behind him, Maynard is pleased to announce his recent engagement to a lady that, if you can believe it, "looks a LOT like Judith Light," who starred opposite Danza in "Who's the Boss?" for eight horrific seasons on ABC.