haiku

sitting in training
tap out haiku on palm to
keep from losing mind

afraid of squirrels
might come into my house and
try to bite my toes

saturday morning
should be cartoons and football
this is so surreal

dry erase markers
one whiff while writing does it
boy o boy o boy

drank too much water
now my eyeballs are floating
it squirts out my ears

how am i to learn
when all the lessons before me
are so obvious

Lord let me thank you
for bringing me here though I
don't know why You did

four hundred thousand
has one four and five zeros
plus that ol' comma

how i love to drink
decaffeinated coffee
soothes my whole body

jug of ice water
poured down my back stings like fire
you will pay for this

a pocket of gas
worked its way through me and left
where'd everyone go?

water falling in water
makes many bubbles
so does farting in bathtub

wind rustles through tree
but I just wish that my poor
kite could say the same.

if you feel depressed
find happiness now with a
word from our sponsor.

when wind is broken
can only repair it with
spraying of lysol.

Very Poor Pseudo-Scandinavian Mythology Composed Mainly While Driving Home From Work

And so Skül held his hands to the sky and cursed the day he was born, for he knew that the spirit of HASBLAAD was messing with his mind.  Oh how he longed for times past when he could climb the mountain and find Rebl sitting there with her long blonde hair flowing down the mountain side, a distance of about 137 feet, where it is washed and dried repeatedly by vixens in the brook.

Party Theme Suggestion

Let's hold our next social function on a farm. In addition, we should create a video documentary of the event then make a copy available to all associates as a reminder of our festive spirit. However, if this concept is approached creatively, it could also serve as a fresh angle for distributing company information. The tape should be titled "Cee-Cee Haw '98" and it would go something like this:

Start with an extreme close-up of April wearing a straw hat shouting "Howwwww-DEEEE!"

The festivities begin in a barn complete with hay bails and a band stand. With everyone else sitting around on the hay, Deckler picks the banjo while Rye jigs. We all clap.

In the first skit, Mark "Goodall Boy" hosts a hardware fixit shop segment where he, Bill Hammett and Steve Jones stand around talking about dem dern computers and dadgum aggravatin' wimmin'.

Empty Packet Hotel with Art Krumsee manning a tech support desk taking ridiculous user calls to which we only hear his side...

As a harmonica plays slowly in the background, five of our most notorious characters lie around the yard with hats over their heads and brilliantly spin their technical conversation into a side-splitting comedy routine. Someone gets hit with their own hat at the end of it all.

Back to the barn with Pickin & Grinnin' featuring the P&G team.

Chas, Kuder, and Julie at the clothesline singing now you'd never hear one of us repeating announcements, so you'd better be sure and listen close the first time...they continue on to inform us of corporate news bulletins, vendor service offerings, and training opportunities all with a catchy rhyme.

We need Zena (with two teeth blackened out and hair in curlers) and Raiter (unshaven and dressed in rags) to sit around the kitchen whimsically quarreling like a bitter old married couple. Although it looks quite painful, the final stunt is well rehearsed and Chris is not at all injured.

Rye sitting on the front porch in suspenders (The Panama Jack outfit is out at Jaguar Cleaners).
We all shout "What's on the COE, Grandpa?"
He replies: "Black-eyed MCP's, cornbread muffin fans, country fried motherboards, a bowl of chicken SEWP, a side of crispy kuders, a cherry-red pie chart, and a cup of JAVA!"
The reply in unison: "Yummmm-yum!"

Next, Lori Lou the southern-belle débutante sits on the porch swing and complains about Billy Bob and Bobby Joe fighting over her all time. "What's a girl to do?" she sighs.

Then send everyone out to the corn field and encourage them to pop up randomly and make corny jokes.

As a feature treat, the PMT All-Jug Band performs their trademark theme song from the front porch, complete with an infamous slide-whistle scene that ends up getting cut from the take-home version of the tape. Still, "Marty Pearl" could lead the group donning a purdy hat with the price tag dangling from one side. She starts it off by crowing "WE'RE GONNA PLAY NOW!"

We'll have Brad back as the guest star. He gets to stand holding a rake by the fence with Gary Lester and sing "...you went to Flaridy and PPPPPTTT you were gone!" Then Brad makes a corny joke after which a nearby fence board swings up and swats him in the behind.

Gickler, in a straw hat and overalls, runs a used hardware shop. With the most nasal twang imaginable he stands out front and urges the audience to email him at BR549 for the best double-dang deals around.

Finally, the Leadership Team Quartet joins in for a solemn moment to sing a hymn.

At the close of the video documentary the camera pans to a wall with a little door. Office girl peeks out and says "That's All!".

--------------

This has been an in-the-sticks collaborative party theme suggestion by Mitch and Mike.

Top Ten Kickoff Kapers

UNHINGED PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS

From the home office in Mobile, Alabama...

Top Ten Ways to Express Your Individuality at Kickoff '98!!

10. Administer thorough "clip-on checks" to all males as they enter.
9. Secretly hand out laser pointers. Use them on overhead screen and speaker's forehead.
8. Jump up on table, rip off shirt, and scream "BRING IN THE VIRGINS!!"
7. Verify various numeric pager listings with cell phone.
6. Start singing "Your Cheatin' Heart". By yourself. Off key. Loudly. With a twang.
5. Raise hand and ask permission to use restroom. If denied, throw tantrum.
4. Try to start The Wave.
3. Perform juggling act at back of room. Pass around hat for tips.
2. Using fish line rigged above ceiling, dangle toy spider in front of screen when speaker looks away.

AAAAAAAANNND the number one way to really express yourself...

1. Randomly shout "You GO, girl!!"

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This has been yet another in your face collaborative calamity by the right on Mitch Ross and the more on Mike Samons.
Veddy eentedestingk. But schtooopid.

The Reverend

I’m the reverend.

Just sittin’ in this here rocker waitin’ for the storm to hit.

Nice warm day out.

But, I let the wife take care of all the more pleasurable chores.

That’s why she’s mowin’.

I can’t fool around with any yard work or house cleanin’.

No siree, got too much rockin’ to do.

See, these days a man has to put his nose to the grindstone and meet life’s challenges head on.

Gotta think about bills.

Gotta think about the kids.

Gotta think about politics and the world situation.

It’s an important job.

But, I’ll take the responsibility.

A man’s gotta do what a mans gotta do.

After all, I’m the reverend.

Here We Go! (A collection of drivel...)

"Well you're built like a car; got a hubcap diamond-stud halo; you're dirty and sweet oh yeah…"

-T. Rex, 1971

She is a pitch black/clearcoat '71 Torino, Big Blue 429-4 Speed, bored and all Ford.

She is a modern day reminiscent of Eve, Delilah, and Cleopatra.

She is only 5'4 but her attitude is larger than life. It opens the door for her six feet ahead.

She is all of it, all the time.

She is an electric eel.

She is 100,000 watts radial, full FM Stereo.

She is a 200-ton nitro blast.

She is Hoover Dam tied in with Three Mile Island.

She is a Tony Iommi riff.

She is a wound, which takes months, years to heal.

She is Sigmund Freud's wet dream.

She gets what she wants but doesn't really want it.

She seeks something different from you, which the others never offer. Giving it to her will ensure your survival.

She seeks amusement. Constantly.

She is untouchable in the place you really want to reach: Inside.

She can be everything to some and nothing to others, but they are all intrigued by her just the same.

She seems to have never been born, just evolved over the centuries, as if she helped Hannibal get those elephants through the Alps.

She is a good friend until you really get under her skin.

She is a dove on the outside, an owl within.

She is a computer virus, taking over the mainframe and rendering it useless.

She is unpredictable in one sense: You can usually judge when, but certainly not what.

She makes you think but then won't let you.

She makes you whine hopelessly about her on paper and through cassette tapes.

She is difficult to impress. It's a great feeling to have her laugh at your jokes or antics; it doesn't happen often.

She sends all your meters into the red zone.

Don't assume she is not watching you at all times, her radar is fully dynamic, 360^o rotational.

Don't assume she forgets anything, her memory is superior to all.

Don't assume she does not have some kind of feelings for you, either, her heart is continually active.

Her transmitter is always on even though she may not be broadcasting at the time.

You are never quite sure how you feel about her, and whether or not it is safe and/or practical to act on your feelings.

You don't tell her anything. You convince her.

Quit

Painstakingly as he constructs his own home,
An ant’s persistence is hard to believe

Seems that man’s forces cannot start to stop him
Crumb by crumb by crumb by crumb’ one at a time until he’s done.

He don’t know how to quit.

And in every day life we tend to give up
If the going gets a little too tough.

We could all stand a lesson from these little guys
Whom we always make pulp of beneath our feet.

We don’t post to quit.