Today in History

On this date in 1966: Edwin C. RANT of Canada used a homemade apparatus he hoped would take him to the orient via the center of the planet. However, due to both malfunction and human error, he soon resurfaced in a grain field about 45 miles southeast of Dallas.  The local sheriff was not amused; nor was the landowner, although he later admitted in an interview that he would have "forgiven the feller if he'd a just brung some dadgum oil up with him".

Lamb to the Slaughter

I am a young man
Her hair's long and dark

I'm invited to supper
Since her son is at work

After mutton and rice
We relax and I hold her

So warm and so nice
Her head on my shoulder

Guess her husband was crazy
Left her years before

Hints of hard life till
She moved in next door

It gets close to bedtime
Says she wants me to stay

That I have no cause not to
Tomorrow's just one more day

Secrets are known now
How it feels so right

She tells me she's happy
And that I am her light

But out of a dead sleep
I awake to a scream

She lies in her own blood
Is it just a bad dream?

He says it's all over
Then fires his next shot

Here I am all alone now
Guess this is my lot

Inspired by Proverbs Chapter Seven

Maybe

Maybe I've gotten so used to not touching someone on a regular basis that I've accepted it.
Maybe for me there are things more important than having "a special someone".
Maybe I have a problem with doing things like everyone else.
Maybe I also get extremely frustrated when misunderstood.
Maybe only God will ever truly understand me in this life.
Maybe that's OK.
Maybe it's best not to tempt the heart with things that will only lead to pain.
Maybe I am realizing that true love chases it's beloved.
Maybe I am sure that I have never chased a woman. Ever.
Maybe I don't care to anytime soon.
Maybe even if I did, I'd have to make *choices* as well as sacrifices.
Maybe I feel burdened when a woman pursues me.
Maybe I just want more of God's Kingdom.
Maybe I will take pains to avoid things that distract me from that pursuit.
Maybe I still lack the fortitude to fly near the sun and not become blinded.
Maybe I am my own person after God and family and friends.
Maybe I am a fighter and not a lover.
Maybe I am a cowboy.
Maybe I like living alone.
Maybe that's just the way it oughtta be.
Maybe I need my hind-end raised a few feet.
Maybe I still have some deep-rooted selfishness
Maybe His time to correct that in me just has not yet come.
Maybe you are the finest, gentlest, sweetest, and kindest woman in the world.
Maybe you don't need to strive to prove yourself to me.
Maybe you are a fool for feeling like you do.
Maybe I really have never understood how I feel about you.
Maybe I'll figure that out some day.
Maybe you and I both need to take our medicine, but it ain't the same prescription.
Maybe I have absolutely no business being in the same room with you until things change.
Maybe that's not what I want.
Maybe, sometimes, the only thing worse than not getting what you want, is getting it.
Maybe we're a lot more like Alanis Morissette and Ozzy Ozborne than we'd care to admit.

haiku

sitting in training
tap out haiku on palm to
keep from losing mind

afraid of squirrels
might come into my house and
try to bite my toes

saturday morning
should be cartoons and football
this is so surreal

dry erase markers
one whiff while writing does it
boy o boy o boy

drank too much water
now my eyeballs are floating
it squirts out my ears

how am i to learn
when all the lessons before me
are so obvious

Lord let me thank you
for bringing me here though I
don't know why You did

four hundred thousand
has one four and five zeros
plus that ol' comma

how i love to drink
decaffeinated coffee
soothes my whole body

jug of ice water
poured down my back stings like fire
you will pay for this

a pocket of gas
worked its way through me and left
where'd everyone go?

water falling in water
makes many bubbles
so does farting in bathtub

wind rustles through tree
but I just wish that my poor
kite could say the same.

if you feel depressed
find happiness now with a
word from our sponsor.

when wind is broken
can only repair it with
spraying of lysol.

Very Poor Pseudo-Scandinavian Mythology Composed Mainly While Driving Home From Work

And so Skül held his hands to the sky and cursed the day he was born, for he knew that the spirit of HASBLAAD was messing with his mind.  Oh how he longed for times past when he could climb the mountain and find Rebl sitting there with her long blonde hair flowing down the mountain side, a distance of about 137 feet, where it is washed and dried repeatedly by vixens in the brook.

Party Theme Suggestion

Let's hold our next social function on a farm. In addition, we should create a video documentary of the event then make a copy available to all associates as a reminder of our festive spirit. However, if this concept is approached creatively, it could also serve as a fresh angle for distributing company information. The tape should be titled "Cee-Cee Haw '98" and it would go something like this:

Start with an extreme close-up of April wearing a straw hat shouting "Howwwww-DEEEE!"

The festivities begin in a barn complete with hay bails and a band stand. With everyone else sitting around on the hay, Deckler picks the banjo while Rye jigs. We all clap.

In the first skit, Mark "Goodall Boy" hosts a hardware fixit shop segment where he, Bill Hammett and Steve Jones stand around talking about dem dern computers and dadgum aggravatin' wimmin'.

Empty Packet Hotel with Art Krumsee manning a tech support desk taking ridiculous user calls to which we only hear his side...

As a harmonica plays slowly in the background, five of our most notorious characters lie around the yard with hats over their heads and brilliantly spin their technical conversation into a side-splitting comedy routine. Someone gets hit with their own hat at the end of it all.

Back to the barn with Pickin & Grinnin' featuring the P&G team.

Chas, Kuder, and Julie at the clothesline singing now you'd never hear one of us repeating announcements, so you'd better be sure and listen close the first time...they continue on to inform us of corporate news bulletins, vendor service offerings, and training opportunities all with a catchy rhyme.

We need Zena (with two teeth blackened out and hair in curlers) and Raiter (unshaven and dressed in rags) to sit around the kitchen whimsically quarreling like a bitter old married couple. Although it looks quite painful, the final stunt is well rehearsed and Chris is not at all injured.

Rye sitting on the front porch in suspenders (The Panama Jack outfit is out at Jaguar Cleaners).
We all shout "What's on the COE, Grandpa?"
He replies: "Black-eyed MCP's, cornbread muffin fans, country fried motherboards, a bowl of chicken SEWP, a side of crispy kuders, a cherry-red pie chart, and a cup of JAVA!"
The reply in unison: "Yummmm-yum!"

Next, Lori Lou the southern-belle débutante sits on the porch swing and complains about Billy Bob and Bobby Joe fighting over her all time. "What's a girl to do?" she sighs.

Then send everyone out to the corn field and encourage them to pop up randomly and make corny jokes.

As a feature treat, the PMT All-Jug Band performs their trademark theme song from the front porch, complete with an infamous slide-whistle scene that ends up getting cut from the take-home version of the tape. Still, "Marty Pearl" could lead the group donning a purdy hat with the price tag dangling from one side. She starts it off by crowing "WE'RE GONNA PLAY NOW!"

We'll have Brad back as the guest star. He gets to stand holding a rake by the fence with Gary Lester and sing "...you went to Flaridy and PPPPPTTT you were gone!" Then Brad makes a corny joke after which a nearby fence board swings up and swats him in the behind.

Gickler, in a straw hat and overalls, runs a used hardware shop. With the most nasal twang imaginable he stands out front and urges the audience to email him at BR549 for the best double-dang deals around.

Finally, the Leadership Team Quartet joins in for a solemn moment to sing a hymn.

At the close of the video documentary the camera pans to a wall with a little door. Office girl peeks out and says "That's All!".

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This has been an in-the-sticks collaborative party theme suggestion by Mitch and Mike.

Top Ten Kickoff Kapers

UNHINGED PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS

From the home office in Mobile, Alabama...

Top Ten Ways to Express Your Individuality at Kickoff '98!!

10. Administer thorough "clip-on checks" to all males as they enter.
9. Secretly hand out laser pointers. Use them on overhead screen and speaker's forehead.
8. Jump up on table, rip off shirt, and scream "BRING IN THE VIRGINS!!"
7. Verify various numeric pager listings with cell phone.
6. Start singing "Your Cheatin' Heart". By yourself. Off key. Loudly. With a twang.
5. Raise hand and ask permission to use restroom. If denied, throw tantrum.
4. Try to start The Wave.
3. Perform juggling act at back of room. Pass around hat for tips.
2. Using fish line rigged above ceiling, dangle toy spider in front of screen when speaker looks away.

AAAAAAAANNND the number one way to really express yourself...

1. Randomly shout "You GO, girl!!"

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This has been yet another in your face collaborative calamity by the right on Mitch Ross and the more on Mike Samons.
Veddy eentedestingk. But schtooopid.